Don’t Chip Your Tooth On A Penny (btw…this is fake news)


Mickle Joseph, Intro Reporter

On March 15th, multiple students at Briar Woods High School were sent to the hospital complaining about excruciating pain in their stomachs. They were certain the school food was to blame but little did they know, something more sinister was at work. When X-Rays were taken, they found coins and dollar bills sitting mysteriously in their stomachs. How did so many students swallow coins and paper bills without anyone noticing? To get to the bottom of this debacle, a school-wide investigation ensued.

Students were interviewed, and each relayed the same story. The victims said “[they] ate the school food and thought something felt wrong. After eating, stomach pain erupted, mimicking the sensation of cleats and high heels in a dryer.”

The investigators went straight into the kitchen and tested the usual suspects: pizza, chicken nuggets, and dumplings. Nothing seemed wrong. They even spoke to the lovely lunch ladies, and each of them said “[they] feel very sorry for any pain [they] have caused to anyone’s gastric systems.” They all shared the same sentiment… except for one lunch lady, Susan Andrews. She seemed anxious: no eye contact, fidgeting with her hands and rolling her tongue in clockwise circles on the inside of her left cheek. The investigators decided to keep tabs on her. 

The next day, they printed out Susan’s schedule. She’s a regular lunch lady for most of the school day, but after school, she helps sponsor a club of a group of kids on the Student Council and those taking business classes. The club is called The Kool Kids, and curiously, their meetings are extravagant. For example, during meetings, the kids enjoy sushi, caviar flown in from the Caspian Sea, and a monthly guest speaker. Last month, it was Marilyn Monroe talking about “glamor”  in a hologrammed message. For the members of Kool Kids, no expenses are spared: Susan Andrews spends the bucks. The investigators spoke to some of the students in the club, and what they found out was far from what they expected. 

They asked the kids where they get their funding, and they responded “[they] get it from Susan.” Following the interview, one student named Hannah Miller revealed a little more. The story she relayed disgusted the investigators. She said, “They get their funding because they sell a lot of school food laced with a drug called Deoxyrubonicate by none other than Susan Andrews. The drug is quite addictive, and this drives the kids to buy more and more food,” she said, adding, “They just can’t put it down. It completely alters brain chemistry.” 

The investigators were in shock, but they were still confused about how a bunch of students swallowed coins and dollar bills. The next day they confronted Susan, telling her they knew her gig behind the scenes. Susan fessed up and said “[she] accidentally mixed up the bag filled with drugs with the bag filled with money that [she] earned from the previous lunch day. Even breathing near the drugs can alter the mind, and [she] got too close, so [she] wasn’t fully conscious when [she] cooked that day.” 

When the investigators asked why she laced the food, she said “[she] did it because [she] wanted more. By selling more food, [she] was able to earn more money.” 

The mystery was solved.

The case was closed. Susan was arrested, and the school began the slow process of returning to normal. An apology letter was issued explaining the particulars of the debacle, and luckily, the situation — as well as the coins and dollars — has passed. Briar Woods is safe and well again, and the administration and staff are sure something like this will never happen again.