A Greasy Situation (btw…this is fake news)


Megan Woody, Intro Reporter

It’s no secret that students at Briar Woods High School hate the cafeteria food. It’s greasy, bland, and almost always tastes off. Most chalk this up to the universal truth that school cafeteria food is awful. However, a small group of aspiring journalists sensed there was more to the story than meets the eye. Tammy Bishop, Elliot Cane, and Chastity Terez finally decided enough was enough when they spent a grueling ten minutes of their oh-so-limited lunchtime soaking up grease from their cheese pizza, only to gag down the stale cardboard slices. The three best friends decided to find out where the cafeteria food was coming from. And so, they set out on a journey to discover at what point edible ingredients became the unappetizing waste that is the school lunch.

The trio decided the best way to examine the food was to wait until after hours when they’d have all the time in the world. After school they took a trip to the bathroom and secretly climbed into the ceiling, perfectly replacing the tiles so no one would notice anything amiss. Then, they crawled through the vents to the cafeteria where they lay in wait. Once they were certain everyone had left the school, the students hopped down from the ceiling, landing strategically in the main cafeteria. Terez was studying at the Leesburg Institute of Lockpicking, so she was easily able to open the kitchen doors. “At first the kitchen seemed completely ordinary,” Cane said in an interview, “and then it hit us…the smell.” The group describes a stench permeating the air. “I thought I was going to pass out. It was like a combination of spoiled cat food and rot,” Bishop commented. 

The group nearly left then, but tenaciously pressed on in the pursuit of truth. In the light of the moon, the entire kitchen seemed to glow. As the kids searched for the source of the foul odor, they found a nest of bats, a one-of-a-kind, limited edition Spongebob Squarepants Funko Pop, and thirteen shattered mirrors. None of these mysterious objects, however, caused the unearthly stench. Finally, Terez opened a back closet. All three kids passed out on the spot.

“When we came to, the first thing I thought was that I stumbled on a century-old grave or something,” Cane said. But it wasn’t a gravesite. In fact, the students had found a colony of Perigiona Silenio, a deadly bacteria. Scientists have been at a great loss as to how this bacteria works and where it came from. They were only certain about one thing: the bacteria is fatal to humans. It releases spores into the atmosphere that dissolves the flesh of lung tissue. Bishop, Cane, and Terez, as well as all of the kitchen staff, are being closely monitored in a sealed lab. It is unclear what the effects will be on the students who have been consuming what is likely contaminated food. One thing is for sure: they definitely liked it better when they thought the food was simply greasy.